How to Feel Sorry for Yourself and Enjoy It!

Many people struggle with the fine art of self-pity. Few ever attain such pinnacles of depression. The following important points will absolutely insure a more miserable you.

1. Throw a pity party for yourself as the honored-and only-guest. After all, you don't want anyone else receiving more compassion. Also, it can be just a teensy bit boring hearing another's problems when you have so many unique and vitally important ones.

2. Never look around for someone with more struggles. It can be quite annoying to find a person sicker, poorer, older, more tired or more overworked than you. People who respond to you with "Oh, I had that problem once" (and proceed to share their solution) are a major source of irritation. Imagine them under the delusion that your situation could be as easily rectified as theirs! They might even wrack up more pity points than you!

3. Guard your physical appearance carefully. Avoid smiles of any form. (Think how much smoother your face will appear without those pesky laugh lines.) Let your shoulders sag-a stance guaranteed to make you look even worse than you feel. Oh, and sigh a lot, especially after someone asks, "How are you today?" With a bit of practice, you can add a dramatic pause between the sigh and your opening statement. A limp handshake is a must for the discriminating sufferer. Folks should virtually see the energy drain from your body.

4. Distance yourself from people with serious medical problems, especially those who are exhaustingly cheery. Their deep serenity will madden you, and you'll feel unspiritual without inspirational Bible verses to toss at them.

5. Before you arrive at church on Sunday, work up a miserable attitude with these thoughts: the sermon will be too long; Mrs. Shriek will probably sing that same song again. And when I sit in the back, some family with noisy kids will end up in front of me!

6. If someone actually has the nerve to invite you over for fellowship after church, just sigh (remember? you practiced!) and answer with your voice trailing off dejectedly. "Oh, no thanks…I'll just go home…I'm sure you're very busy anyway."

7. Don't sing in church. You may, however, stand when it's appropriate. If someone offers you a hymnbook, mutter something about coughing when you sing.

8. Avoid expressing any feelings of gratitude that might well up inside you.

Follow these simple steps. Be creative. There are an infinite number of ideas to try. And remember-practice! You wouldn't want someone to beat you at your own game!

(Note: If all this strikes you as a trifle immature, try facing yourself squarely in the mirror of I Thessalonians 5:16-19 instead-"Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. Quench not the Spirit.")

This article was first featured in FrontLine magazine

Web Site Design: Tim Baird